I suggest this very moment there are as many reasons to feel good in our lives, to feel joyous and appreciative, as are there reasons to feel the opposite.
Perhaps it's a matter of perspective after we mentally process our cumulative experiences. We can choose to focus our thoughts despite our circumstances and we relentlessly, tirelessly, practice inching towards positivity until this manner of thinking becomes a habit so deeply ingrained in our being, that it becomes reflexive to our daily existence.
I likely sound idealistic or naive to so boldly offer up such Pollyanna advice when people are suffering from illnesses, financially strapped, losing their jobs, battling depression or anxiety, going through a divorce, dealing with a seriously troubled teen or managing any negative life event. Yet I've found from my personal experience we can shift our perspective, gradually by purposeful inches to a more positive mental place, and that our life inevitably follows.
Choose to be Happy, Right Now, Right Here
Robin Lloyd in the 2007 LiveScience article, "The Keys to Happiness and Why We Don't Use Them" writes that while psychologists continue to discuss the "keys to happiness" with their patients, many continue to adhere to habitual ways of negative or irrational thinking. I suggest people are more likely to rid themselves of chronic patterns of thought and subsequent behavior when they actively, with intention, decide they want to. As Abraham Lincoln said, "Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
It's no accident expressions like old Abe's have been quoted for centuries. The meaning under the words resounds with our inner wisdom and serves as timeless healing salves. Ancient truths, even those re-framed by great voices across our ages transcend time, cultural mores and doctrine; they speak directly to our basic human desire:
We want to feel good.
Our prevailing attitude as an individual, as a family, as a community, as a nation, steers our outlook on life, which is not to paint an overly simplistic or cavalier approach to the intricate and complex human condition or to discount the real pain and hardship people experience every day through illness, job loss, catastrophic events or even the accumulation of daily stress that can bubble over and lead to an emotional or physical breakdown. Yet, I believe choosing to be happy in the distant wake of or even in the midst of feeling unhappy is a powerful choice.
Joy can arise from the daily muck in our immediate moments and from the result of a disciplined and intention-filled practice mastered over time, such as the monk who spends years mastering spiritual meditation, or the yogi who over decades of practice easily moves into the most difficult poses that take others great effort. They no longer struggle; they merely shift. The yogi's progress I imagine comes as the result of mindfulness, of intention, of persistent practice combined with an ease of thought that in time, the pose will come.
Changing our attitude and subsequent mood feels to me, as an inch by inch, day by day daily stretch into new thoughts and attitudes, as a process of small and sometimes grand mental adjustments. It requires more faith (for me) than effort, more letting go than struggle. And while sometimes I still fight myself other days I ease in. It is process of disciplined mindfulness that never stops.
Surround Yourself with Positive People and an Attitude of Feeling Good Now
I believe negativity and its opposite are contagious. Negative attitudes, beliefs, conversations and emotions feed off what is put forth, spreading likes a rampant virus to everyone in its path. From there, the negativity moves on to others and soon enough, we are known by the attitude we keep, by the attitude we foster in others without even realizing it. I once read somewhere that how you feel most of the time when you're around someone is a pretty solid reflection of how that person looks at life. We are mirrors of each other, intertwined in how we affect the other, even in our unspoken body language and facial expressions.
Have you ever met someone for the first time and for some inexplicable reason she exudes an uplifting vibe or overall persona that feels really good? It's likely that person, despite the very little you know of her, is generally radiant about life. She may do this on purpose or perhaps without knowing she's doing it. Maybe she lived a life filled with enormous trauma, sadness and misery but through a process of inward and outward changes, she elevated herself above her difficult life events into an attitude that now serves her well, and with an unspoken radiating effect, serves you well.
But what about the person who is deeply depressed and decides to call a friend who in her attempt to "help" says, "Well, you know how you got yourself into this place. If you would just do x,y,z or stop doing x,y,z....?" This conversation likely breeds more negativity for both people involved. I'm not suggesting you lie when someone asks you your opinion or pretend you feel one way when you feel another, particularly if you see highly harmful behaviors (abuse, addiction, and neglect).
Instead, offer positive, affirming support, "How can I help you? What good things have you noticed in your life today or this weekly? You know what I like/love about you? You have the greatest smile and whenever you tell a joke," etc. Be genuine. Don't manufacture positive affirmations and traits about someone that don't feel authentic or she'll sense your facade; your trust factor will plummet, and the negativity will continue.
Avoid Obsessing on the Why of Life: Focus on What You Want to Feel
And what about the therapist who says to her client "Tell me all the reasons you hated your mother, your father, your husband, your childhood, your dog, your job? Let's explore your past and your reactions to your past for a bit today." While gaining awareness and insight into the intricate and overlapping "whys?" of life might seem like the obvious and logical first step into recovery and into happiness, this approach also focuses on the negative rather than on where the person wants to be in her life now.
Total denial of past events and emotional pain however, isn't healthy or therapeutic by any stretch of the imagination, yet most people who are in any kind of emotional pain I believe, likely already sense at some level, what got them there in the first place.
But what if your pain stems from life events and/or some form of a biochemical imbalance that causes anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, bi-polar disorder, etc.? Merely the knowledge that there are numerous ways you can balance your brain, knowing you're not strapped to a life of mental misery or a roller coaster of meds can I believe, be therapeutic in and of itself. Feeling the power to conquer your pain, rather succumbing or resigning to feeling miserable, empty, depressed or void of feeling can be an effective trajectory towards healing.
Find a Practitioner Who Focuses on Mind, Body, Holistic Healing
If these paradigms, ways of viewing life, resonate with you I'd suggest finding a healing practitioner whose paradigm for treatment takes a holistic approach. Humans are multi-dimensional beings whose mind and body (and spirit) are deeply inter-twined to create our life experience. One cannot, I believe, become whole, move into wellness, without healing the other.
If necessary, seek healers who specialize in natural mood balancing, so while you're on your path to wellness you avoid the side effects and frustrating trial and error roller coaster some therapies and mood medications can bring.
Uncovering why you feel a particular way can have enormous benefit if you're in denial, frozen, stagnate in your progress. But once you uncover the source(s) of pain, staying in the place of "why" you were victimized, "why" you feel a particular way, "why" your life feels rotten, may hold you in negative patterns of thinking and subsequent negative behaviors.
One way you might decide if beating the drum of "why" is benefiting you is to determine if you feel progressively better over continued therapy sessions. Is there a gradual movement towards hope and positive thinking? Some therapists may disagree with my premise, and as a Psychology major years back, someone who dissected my pain to the minutia and attended occasional therapy; I would have disagreed too, suggesting that healing requires we feel worse before we feel better, that a wound must intensely itch before we know it is on the mend.
Some people feel that deep dissection of our old demons is the essential storm before the calm, a necessary unearthing of past skeletons. Others feel unearthing past traumas creates more feelings of resentment and pain and keeps them stuck in the past.
Examining our past has its irrefutable and therapeutic place I believe, but relentlessly exploring our past experiences as a method of healing may hold us back. I don't believe however, there is a right or wrong answer on how to move from misery to joy.
"Right" is how you feel; if you sense you're progressing forward towards the life you want to shape.
Wayne Dyer, noted writer, spiritual teacher and speaker writes, "With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose."
We can't necessarily instantly reverse a bad feeling or move out of a mental rut that grew over many years, but we can I believe, move towards regularly feeling good by building a habit of positive-leaning thoughts that generates good feelings. This is not about reciting rote positive mantras or self-talking in front of your mirror, it's about feeling your way into a good thought by what you pay attention to. You begin through daily and momentary appreciation, which for some is prayer or meditation, for others it is just noticing what is good around them, by choosing to be happy, by focusing less on "why" and more on how you want to feel now.
I've found from my own experience that joyful living is a practiced process of mental and external adjusting I must practice all day long. Some days I’m better than others. Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy and forget in a moment of rage, despair or jealousy how it is I want to feel, rather than how I do feel. And when I slip I apologize to myself, to the person I wronged, and then I move on.
This process may first feel forced and unnatural based on what you’ve been told, that through struggle, deep self-exploration and acknowledgment of our source of pain, comes healing. Perhaps for some that is the ideal pathway, while for others, it is not.
You may initially feel with this process you’re moving one step forward and two steps back until one day you sense that more often than not you’re going with the flow, hopeful and knowing that you are now, today, more well than you were before.
Sources:
- Lloyd, Robin, "The Keys to Happiness, and Why We Don't Use Them." LiveScience.com. February 27,2006.
Laura Owens - Laura Owens has a B.S. in Psychology from Rollins College & U of FL. She is a freelance writer with expertise in motivation & wellness.
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