It's common for mothers to ping pong between feeling frustrated and a sense of loss as her child moves into each new stage of maturity. Every milestone in a child's life however, offers mothers an opportunity to sort out their own conflicted feelings of interdependence.
Ann Pleshette-Murphy, author of The Seven Stages of Motherhood [Macmillan,2005] suggests that motherhood forces women to re-think their lives and to re-shape their identity, relationships, choices and goals.
New Moms: The First 12 months
Parenting educator Jan Faull refers to this as the “parent on call” stage. As mothers reflexively respond to their baby’s every need, they often neglect and forget their own. This time can be a defining moment in a mother's life as she and her partner learn to adapt to their "new normal." In the process, women can adopt the attitude that their needs matter too, or they they risk becoming so absorbed into what everyone else in the family needs, they lose their own identity.
Toddler Years: Age 1 and 2
This is a push-pull time for mothers and toddlers. Separation anxiety and tantrums mark this stage of mixed signals and emotion. As toddlers become more independent, mothers realize they can't always control or protect their increasingly active child.
Depression rates are twice as high among women with toddlers and many begin to question their parental prowess, "We all hold on to unrealistic expectations of seamless transitions,” admits Pleshette-Murphy.
Pre-school to School Ages 3 to 6
As pre-schooler and kindergarten children become slightly more self-sufficient, parents may forget kids are still very emotionally demanding at this age. Parents and children simultaneously let go and reflexively grasp on to each other.
As children enter school the separation can spawn ambivalence for mothers, particularly if they're at home full time. While this stage can feel liberating, for some women it can feel like their mom cord has been forcefully ripped away. It's important women recognize that whatever emotion she feels at this time isn't "right" or "wrong," it simply reflects that her sense of self is once again re-positioning.
Pre-Tween: Gradually Pulling Away Ages 6 to 10
This is a time when mothers begin to view their lives as still inter-twined with but not solely dependent upon their child’s. Moms may begin to treat their children more as an individual. Pleshette-Murphy suggests this period is a "motherhood midpoint of sorts.” Women continue to love, care for and worry about their children, but they sense that their role in their child's life is gradually diminishing.
Tween Gray Zone: Ages 10 to 13
She calls this time period living in the “Gray Zone” because one parenting approach may be wildly successful one day and a disaster the next. Similar to toddler/pre-school years, only with hormones and an advancing vocabulary, pre-teens tend to be volatile and may regularly engage their parents in endless no-win battles.
“When she stands with one foot in childhood and the other in early adulthood, and struggles to maintain her balance, the person she will grab onto with a desperate, clawing intensity is you,” says Pleshette-Murhpy. Parents’ nostalgia for the “cute and cuddly years” surface. Mothers may begin a grieving process of sorts as they prepare to let go of their hold a little more.
Teens Getting Ready To Go: Ages 13 to 18
These are the years that try a parent's soul. Moreover, as mothers move towards their empty-nest they begin to see the horizon of their “second life.” “In the process you will have re-shaped not only your relationship with your child but your identity as well. Trying to figure out who you are with your adolescent children will trigger feelings of resentment, loss, panic, and anger - but also joy,” says Pleshette-Murphy.
The emotions that come with raising teens often mirror those of new mothers, but with a new perspective. Partners re-focus on their marriage, deciding if their relationship stood the test of time or if the children held it together.
As children move through each maturity milestone, mothers experience their own turning points in their identity, goals, self-esteem and relationships. Each stage, while bittersweet, is an opportunity for women to learn not only about their child’s individual evolving personality and needs, but their own.
Additional Resources:
How Happy Is Your Family?
Marital Satisfaction and Parenting
Laura Owens - Laura Owens has a B.S. in Psychology from Rollins College & U of FL. She is a freelance writer with expertise in motivation & wellness.
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